a little more than a month ago, all the best laid plans of mice and men DID indeed go well (in my own words: 'without a hitch'), it's ironic that, in the bigger picture, things don't always end up the way one would like.
It's of great solace to know that what's written here, on Xanga, is not only an outlet, but will remain as private as I allow it to be. In contrast to those other excellent social networking sites and blogs, Xanga has its way of not picking up many creepers. Perhaps this is because of the complexity of the navigation tools or just the decline in popularity in the past 'x' years, but regardless, a good outlet nonetheless.
To give a voice to my thoughts and feelings at this point and time is, in my opinion, quite a futile task, impossible to say the least. However, I have a need to shoot things out into cyberspace so that, if anything, I may be able to come to terms with the situation.
Life is a journey, it is often said, which begins when you are born. I, however, contest that. I believe that life is a journey which begins when you first meet with failure. What is a journey without trials? What is a life filled with nothing but happiness? My proverbial 'Hell' would most likely be a world in which I excel at everything *shiver*. Smooth sailing will never do for me, I like my waters choppy and the wind fierce. That much being said, that's pretty much how I've lived my life thus far. It shows in the friends I make, the work I do, and the relationships I have. I don't settle for spineless cretins for friends, I don't work like a drone, and I will not settle for 'happy-ever-after'. These are probably the reasons why I'm where I am today. My goal was to make the best of things, and evidently, I fell short. The question is, why did I disappoint and what did I do wrong?
There really is no simple answer to this question. I've thought it over and over and over. I've looked at it from a hundred different angles. I've deliberated from inside and outside, but to no avail. I have yet to come up with the answer which will satisfy me, until then, I'm afraid that I'll have to settle for multiple tentative 'answers' for now.
Answer 1: I fell short because I am really quite a selfish person.
Extremely possible, considering it's me. I am quite selfish, it's pretty much all about me and look, I'm even blogging about it. Answer 1 fits the bill nicely, but leaves many gaps to be filled. Moving on...
Answer 2: I am unfit as a human being.
I like this one. It's straight to the point and it doesn't leave much for debate. However, it doesn't sit all too well with my situation at the moment. True, I enjoy the idea of me perhaps being demonic, which WOULD play into Answer 1, however, perhaps it's a tad exaggerated? Not too sure, but we'll leave it up, just in case. I do want to cover all the angles.
Answer 3: I tend to expect too much.
Again, this is a textbook case of me. I DO expect too much. I expect that my friends be up front with me, that they are there for me when I need them, and that they'll be willing to accept my help. Oh, and I expect that in my relationship, my significant other is perpetually happy. It might not sound like a lot, but wow, look at it, it's like...asking people to be UNSELFISH for ME! Doesn't that play into Answer 1? And to think that someone HAS to be happy around me, just kind of shows you what an ego-maniac I am...which leads me to...
Answer 4: My big ego.
Yes, my ego. The great men of history all have it: Dr. Gregory House, Gordon Ramsay, Simon Cowell, to name a few. And if you didn't get that, those are all TV personalities...At any rate, these men have proved themselves, whereas, I have not. That would probably be why things never work out in my relationships, my big head gets in the way. I'm definitely not modest at all and all that I do is usually for myself. Yes, in my own words, I AM that amazing.
Answer 5: It's just me.
Now, this Answer is one of those 'blanket statement' like answers. Extremely effective, yet it resolves nothing. However, at the moment, it sounds like the most feasible Answer. This makes for a temporary reprieve to my soul-searching and makes for the onset of self-berating *if there is such a term*.
If you've gotten all the way down here, then you probably skipped all the good stuff, or not so good stuff, whatever. But if you did indeed read all that mess, then you probably understand that I'm just ranting and raving. Regardless, it was a good run which, unfortunately, ended with me running up against a wall. Now I'm bloodied and bruised, but none too worse for the wear. I'll bounce back and take another stab at it, eventually. For now, I'll just take life as it is, as I always have. Chin up and cane firmly planted on the ground *oh yes, I'm temporarily semi-incapacitated*.
Veni, Vidi, Vici
Chatboard (0)